Sometimes you tear it all apart to see the wood for the trees, sometimes you break your own heart to set yourself free.
So I’ve decided I’m not going back to Taiwan to study. Life’s too short. I’m going to save up and travel around the world. I’m going to make a pilgrimage through the US, France, India, Nepal and China. I’ve still gotta work out all the logistics but it’s given me a great push towards recovery.
And I get to meet a lovely teenie yogini on the way 😊.
Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.
My dad stated he doesn’t get angry today in the end part of my session with my psychologist.
I call bullshit.
How ghastly for her, people actually thinking, with their brains, and right next door. Oh, the travesty of it all.
My brain is a mess. I used to think that I only got this way because I was underweight and I’m basically weight restored and my mind is killing me. I feel anxious all the time. I freak out over little things. I can’t concentrate. Even trying to get this post out is difficult. I have to see my psychiatrist this afternoon. Last session after the huge panic attack I’m nervous to see her again. She said she might change some of the meds I am on. That’s scary in and of itself.
I’m tired all the time.
hey yoghurt, if you’re so cultured, how come I never see you?
The last 3 weeks have been paved with crying and panic attacks and losing weight. For those who care my weight is stable as of yesterday which leaves me royally pissed. I don’t want to do this but I don’t want to eat. I want to be skinny. What a conundrum.
My psychiatrist put me back on olanzapine after me having a panic attack in her session and her seeing what is actually going on at home. She admitted that she took me off it too soon. No shit.
Then a couple of weeks ago there was this whole fiasco where I was refusing to eat yoghurt and dad started saying how selfish I was and punched and hole in the wall and generally got really angry. Then when I finally said I would eat it he just said all these things like “you’re making me stay up late for this and I’m going to be tired in the morning and it’s going to put stress on my work” etc. while I was trying to eat my yoghurt. I was assertive. I told him that him saying that wasn’t helping me and it was making it harder. I told him I needed his support. It was all fucked up.
There. That’s why I haven’t posted in a while.
It’s fun to think of the what-if. Scary, but fun. It’s like, I thought this door was closed before, but here it is open just the tiniest crack. What if?
If I don’t write an entry you can just assume that I’ve had a shit day. Like, not a “oh my life is shit today so I don’t want to write” day. More like a “my life is shit and I’m hysterically crying and my dietician put my meal plan up and I want to gouge my face off” type day. That was yesterday. I lost a kilo. My dad said “I can’t do this again, Amelia.” He can’t do this again?! Well excuse fucking me. It aint exactly rose petals and rainbows for me either.
Users of slippery slope arguments should take skiing lessons – you really can choose to stop.
So I didn’t post yesterday because I had a major meltdown about not being able to do it and I’m restricting more and more and I can’t waste another year of my life blah blah blah.
I just feel myself on this slope. And I’ve been here before, and experience tells me what happens.
I’m scared. But I want so badly to fall down the hill too.
I will always choose a lazy person to do a difficult job because he will find an easy way to do it.
I only did a half day of program today because I hate getting up early and I was tired. We talked about neuropplasticity. It was funny when I asked the guy “what about eating disorders and neuroplasticity? and he was just like, nah, that’s too difficult. *sigh*
I had ravioli for dinner because we are out of tofu stir fry and we’d been eating it for a week anyway. Short post. Watching a scary movie with dad. It’s good but I know the main character isn’t going to die, the movie wouldn’t work that way.
“Oh God, no. It’s Pancake Day.” I thought about shooting myself. I could see the headlines: Sheriff shoots self, unable to face pancakes.
Today I want out with some friends from my initial hospital stay this year before I was transferred. It was hard because they were getting eggs and I don’t eat eggs. I was backed into the corner with pancakes and had forgotten to take my meds. But I knew that they wouldn’t judge me and I knew I was safe. I had pancakes and strawberries, and I survived.
The whole of life is just like watching a film. Only it’s as though you always get in ten minutes after the big picture has started, and no-one will tell you the plot, so you have to work it out all yourself from the clues.
We went to the movies today to see “Annabel”. It wasn’t as scary as the conjuring but it was ok. I’m tired, but I’m tired all the time. I’m writing this post because I should have written one yesterday and didn’t. I stepped out of my comfort zone and had popcorn at the movies. I was a little freaked but watching the movie kept me grounded. Anyway, that is all.