“I’m lonely. And I’m lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic.”
Tonight I am sad. And that’s okay. I’m sad because I feel a little lonely. I want a mum, but I can’t have one and it feels unfair. It’s unfair that my life has turned out the way it has. Psychologists, nurses, GPs, psychiatrists say that it’s sad, and I always comment and say that it’s just the way it is. It’s always been this way. In saying this, I have been able to trick myself into an acceptance, but for the first time tonight I’ve decided it’s not okay. I’m not okay with it and it’s not fair.
I’m tired. I’m sad. I have no cure for these. I want to lose weight, I want to get skinny. I want to disappear because I put too much pressure on myself. I tell myself I have to be forgiving of the people that constantly hurt me, I tell myself I have to be hard working and make everyone happy — to please everyone all the time. I want to be perfect for everyone all the time. I don’t want to disappoint. But I’m tired. I’m sick of pleasing people.
I want to stop eating completely… and maybe I just might. It’s too much all the time.