down

“I’m lonely. And I’m lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic.”

Tonight I am sad. And that’s okay. I’m sad because I feel a little lonely. I want a mum, but I can’t have one and it feels unfair. It’s unfair that my life has turned out the way it has. Psychologists, nurses, GPs, psychiatrists say that it’s sad, and I always comment and say that it’s just the way it is. It’s always been this way. In saying this, I have been able to trick myself into an acceptance, but for the first time tonight I’ve decided it’s not okay. I’m not okay with it and it’s not fair.

I’m tired. I’m sad. I have no cure for these. I want to lose weight, I want to get skinny. I want to disappear because I put too much pressure on myself. I tell myself I have to be forgiving of the people that constantly hurt me, I tell myself I have to be hard working and make everyone happy — to please everyone all the time. I want to be perfect for everyone all the time. I don’t want to disappoint. But I’m tired. I’m sick of pleasing people.

I want to stop eating completely… and maybe I just might. It’s too much all the time.

About millie17

Just your average person who finds food is just a little too complex at times.

4 responses to “down

  1. I’m so sorry you’re sad, but soooo happy to hear from you!
    You can be sad. No one will be mad at you for that.

  2. I’m glad you’re sad. No. Not really. But I’m glad that you’re able to feel the feels and accept that it’s ok to be sad and to feel that the situation is unfair, rather than just say that it is the way it is. It’s perfectly normal and healthy to feel disappointment and sadness and loss, even of things you don’t really know.

    When it comes to forgiving though, it’s less about the person we’re forgiving and more about how we treat ourselves as a result. It’s not ok for people to hurt you. It’s not ok for that behaviour to be a pattern. You do not need to make everyone happy all the time to be loved. And telling someone that they hurt you means they might reject you, but only because you are rejecting their behaviour.

    This isn’t making much sense…it’s late and I’m tired. All I’m really trying to say is, be kind to yourself first. Be gentle with yourself first. Be loving and caring towards yourself first. You deserve it. xo.

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