It’s fun to think of the what-if. Scary, but fun. It’s like, I thought this door was closed before, but here it is open just the tiniest crack. What if?
If I don’t write an entry you can just assume that I’ve had a shit day. Like, not a “oh my life is shit today so I don’t want to write” day. More like a “my life is shit and I’m hysterically crying and my dietician put my meal plan up and I want to gouge my face off” type day. That was yesterday. I lost a kilo. My dad said “I can’t do this again, Amelia.” He can’t do this again?! Well excuse fucking me. It aint exactly rose petals and rainbows for me either.
Users of slippery slope arguments should take skiing lessons – you really can choose to stop.
So I didn’t post yesterday because I had a major meltdown about not being able to do it and I’m restricting more and more and I can’t waste another year of my life blah blah blah.
I just feel myself on this slope. And I’ve been here before, and experience tells me what happens.
I’m scared. But I want so badly to fall down the hill too.
I will always choose a lazy person to do a difficult job because he will find an easy way to do it.
I only did a half day of program today because I hate getting up early and I was tired. We talked about neuropplasticity. It was funny when I asked the guy “what about eating disorders and neuroplasticity? and he was just like, nah, that’s too difficult. *sigh*
I had ravioli for dinner because we are out of tofu stir fry and we’d been eating it for a week anyway. Short post. Watching a scary movie with dad. It’s good but I know the main character isn’t going to die, the movie wouldn’t work that way.
“Oh God, no. It’s Pancake Day.” I thought about shooting myself. I could see the headlines: Sheriff shoots self, unable to face pancakes.
Today I want out with some friends from my initial hospital stay this year before I was transferred. It was hard because they were getting eggs and I don’t eat eggs. I was backed into the corner with pancakes and had forgotten to take my meds. But I knew that they wouldn’t judge me and I knew I was safe. I had pancakes and strawberries, and I survived.
The whole of life is just like watching a film. Only it’s as though you always get in ten minutes after the big picture has started, and no-one will tell you the plot, so you have to work it out all yourself from the clues.
We went to the movies today to see “Annabel”. It wasn’t as scary as the conjuring but it was ok. I’m tired, but I’m tired all the time. I’m writing this post because I should have written one yesterday and didn’t. I stepped out of my comfort zone and had popcorn at the movies. I was a little freaked but watching the movie kept me grounded. Anyway, that is all.
No matter how bad things are, you can always make things worse.
Today was crappy. It started out good. I slept in. I ate my breakfast and my morning tea. Then I went off to my singing lessons and actually got to sing today because we’ve finished doing all the modules and theory. Then I didn’t have lunch and only half of my afternoon tea and then dad came home and I cried and I don’t want to do it anymore. Eating is so fucking difficult.
That’s it for now I guess. Meditation class tonight with my mum. Just to top off the awesome day I had…
I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am.
Updating my computer left it with an inability to connect to the internet but I still gotta write everyday. So what about today.
I cried at day program because I thought I’d offended someone and I had a panic attack about it and couldn’t stop hyperventilating. Turns out it wasn’t my fault. Whatever, I still think it was.
Meditation class tonight. I’m so tired from crying though. Tired from life and getting up at 6:15 to travel for an hour and a half to day program. But I’m going anyway. I won’t fall asleep. I never fall asleep during meditation unless it’s at 5 in the morning.
Surely this is enough. I’m thinking of doing another “history” segment but I think that’ll be for a day I’m not typing with my thumbs.
Once upon a time, I, Chuang Chou, dreamt I was a butterfly, fluttering hither and thither, to all intents and purposes a butterfly. I was conscious only of my happiness as a butterfly, unaware that I was Chou. Soon I awaked, and there I was, veritably myself again. Now I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly, dreaming I am a man.
I’m not afraid anymore. I want to get better. I want my life back. I want to be free. It will be scary and hard work, but that’s okay. I’m not afraid to say it anymore: “I have anorexia.” See. There. It didn’t kill me to say it. These things are fixable. Life is waiting for me!
Posted in hospital, war
Tags: anorexia, butterfly, eating, eating disorder, ED, EDNOS, food, headspace, hospital, inpatient, recovery